


Am I good enough

by charliearcher



Category: Shadowhunters
Genre: M/M, Multi, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:46:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27079048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charliearcher/pseuds/charliearcher
Summary: Hi, this is my first story on here.I don’t wanna give away too much, but I did want to tell you that this is after Magnus and Alec break up.This is Alec’s POV. I am thinking about doing it also in Magnus’ POV. Tell me if you think I should.
Relationships: Magnus Bane & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Malec - Relationship
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	1. Never good enough

**Author's Note:**

> Hi
> 
> This is my first story on here. I have read practically every Malec story so far and wanted to write something for you. 
> 
> I am from England so if I spelt or wrote any words differently to what they are in the US or other places sorry. I did try to use more common words to just English words. 
> 
> I am an aspiring writer, I really love reading and writing so tell me if my work is bad. 
> 
> I really hope you enjoy this. Comments and Kudos appreciated 💕

Alec had pulled his knees up to his chest and was rocking back and forth very slightly. His eyes were squeezed shut, and he was willing away tears. 

His room in the institute was dark, he didn’t know the time, all he knew was that no one was up, he wasn’t even tired. Alec hadn’t been tired for as long as he could remember. He couldn’t feel anything any longer, not since Magnus had broken up with him. Magnus. He needed Magnus. 

But of course Magnus didn’t want him. Why would he? Magnus was amazing, handsome, wise and deserved everything, and not to be dragged down by someone like himself. Alec thought of how much he just hated himself, hated how he looked, how he spoke, how he was so insecure, couldn’t face his parents and so, so many more things. He couldn’t even keep his relationship with Magnus going, he just had to mess that up too, basically the only good thing in his life. 

Alec loosened his grip on the razor, realising it had been cutting into his palm. He opened his eyes and watched as he pressed the blade onto his skin and dragged it across, making a nice clean cut. He watched as the blood bubbled out of the cut. The Shadowhunter let his head tip back as he forgot his internal pain, and focused on the sting of his arm. He relished it, wanting, no, needing more. 

He moved the blade higher up his arm, towards his elbow, searching for a free space where there weren’t scars or healing cuts. Finding a small place he cut again, inhaling deeply as the necessary sensation washed over him. 

Alec pulled the side of his shorts down and made a long line across his hip, letting his eyes close momentarily at the feeling. He blinked away tears that were pricking his eyes and looked down, his hair falling around his face. 

He set the razor down after more cutting and walked over to the sink in his adjoined bathroom, where he rinsed out the fresh wounds with cold water and wrapped them. He packed away the razor, putting it in its own little box and locking it in his bedside cabinet, before he went to his door and drew another silencing and locking rune, making sure no one could get in. Alec sat on his bed before he picked up his stele and on his other hip he started drawing the curves of his most used rune - the agony rune. 

He let himself fall into the familiar pain of the rune he needed, letting his head empty of the pain and numbness from Magnus and his parents' disappointment. He’d even realised Izzy had started to find him irritating, how he was always moping around or messing up. 

Alec came back to the present as the effects of the rune wore off and he was left with the hollow feeling he always felt. He glanced at his arms, where bruises and whip marks from the agony rune had formed. 

He knew he should get some ‘rest’, though he could never sleep. He just lay awake, staring at the ceiling and letting his thoughts eat away at him. ‘You’re never going to be good enough!’ They screamed, ‘Why not just end it now?’

Alec drew a sleep rune on his stomach, making sure he didn’t set it for longer than two hours (which to him was generous).


	2. Patrol

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically Alec goes out on Patrol too early.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for coming again for a second chapter 💕

Alec woke up, exactly two hours later. He checked the time on his phone, 3AM. And he wasn’t meant to check messages (especially from his ex), but of course there weren’t any from Magnus. 

He swung his legs round the side of his bed and stood up, heading towards the bathroom. 

What was meant to be a quick five minute cold shower, turned into a twenty minute one. He sat under the running water, eyes filled with tears asking himself why he was never good enough for anyone.

Alec eventually pulled himself together a little and got up, leaving the bathroom and put a couple of bandaids on his wounds. He pulled on his gear: the closely fit trousers making the wounds on his hips sting a little, his shirt and jacket. Alec also grabbed the flat soles boots that sat by his door, and pulled them on too. 

Leaving his room, he crossed the corridor and made his way to the weapons room. He put on his weapons belt and grabbed: two seraph blades, an angel blade (the basic must haves), an extra stele and witchlight and of course his bow and quiver. 

Alec walked down the steps out of the institute, feeling the cold air of the mundane city. It was still dark, he drew his glamour rune on and pulled out a witchlight. 

He had nothing better to do, so why not go on patrol? Making his way round the practically empty city, he caught sight of something moving up ahead, so Alec started to follow it. 

He turned into an alleyway, after the creature and finally got a good look at it. It was a demon, a Raum Demon. Alec had come across a couple before, but he was always with Jace and Izzy, therefore he’d never killed one. 

The demon turned towards him, it stared at the shadowhunter with its bulging, pupiless, black eyes. It struck out a tentacle, tipped with a tiny red sucker, lined with teeth that looked a bit too much like needles. 

Alec managed to dodge it and pulled out a seraph blade, not his weapon of choice, and swung it at the white scaly creature. The weapon lodged itself where the monster's arm would be. He pulled the blade out, black ichor spraying everywhere. 

The demon let out a loud wail, stunned for just long enough for Alec to pull out his bow. Suddenly another tentacle was making its way towards him, and he shot the arrow, landing directly in its eye. The beast staggered back, and Alec let another arrow fly at the demon, landing in one of its tentacles. This seemed to anger the Raum Demon and it came at Alec. 

This time a tentacle flew out and as Alec tried to injure it, he felt another pierce his arm, letting the poison into his body. Alec felt pain, but pain was what he needed. He tried to shut off his parabatai bond, once again that morning, succeeding before Jace could feel any pain. Another tentacle pierced his stomach and knocked him to the ground. Alec was lying on the cold hard New York concrete, staring into the never ending black starless sky, when another tentacle plunged into his chest. All he remembered before his vision went blank was another tentacle coming down onto his face, and when it was centimetres away it disintegrated into dust and black ichor, that sprayed him.


	3. Alexander and his saviour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So we find out what happens to Alec. Don’t worry he doesn’t die (yet??) Someone saves him and we find out who.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for coming back for the third instalment. I am really enjoying writing. I’ll be back soon with a chapter four. Love you all 💕

Alec woke up to the sun streaming through the window. Ignoring his pounding headache, he looked around. The room definitely wasn’t his bedroom in the institute, until the events of the morning came flooding back to him. 

He tried to sit up, knowing that his sister and parabatai could be looking for him, but then again, why would they? Pain shot through his body, and Alec relaxed, pain always centred him. 

He looked down, someone had taken his shirt off, and bandaged the Raum wounds. Alec tossed the covers back, and to his relief, he was still wearing briefs. 

His eyes caught on his gear in the corner of the room, it was torn and sprayed with ichor, but he had to get out of there. 

Alec grabbed his stele and activated his runes, avoiding the iratze. He then pulled on the tough black leather clothes that were almost completely ruined. He laced up his boots and clipped his leftover weapons onto his belt. 

He left the bedroom and walked through into another bright room.  
“Where are you going?” An all too familiar Indonesian accented voice asked.  
Alec looked up, hoping it wasn’t who he thought it was.  
“Alexander, I’ll ask again, where are you going?” Magnus asked.  
“Look you can’t expect me to sit in that bed while I should be on a mission or patrol or helping the Shadowhunters back at the institute. I need to get back to Jace and Izzy before they do something or get themselves hurt.”  
Magnus was even more beautiful than Alec remembered, but he carried on, trying his hardest not to show any emotion, “I’m not gonna stay here with my ex who hates me and just ‘talk’ I’m going.” Alec started walking towards the door. 

“I don’t hate you.” Magnus said quietly, so quietly that if Alec didn’t have his hearing rune he wouldn’t have heard it.  
He stopped in his tracks, debating whether to stay and ask Magnus or go now. He chose the latter and continued towards the door, before Magnus spoke,  
“Alexander did you do that because of me? Did you cut yourself because of me?” Alec froze. Magnus had seen that, of course he’d seen that. He turned and met Magnus eyes, they were holding so much sadness and guilt, Alec just wanted to rush at Magnus and hug him, protecting him from the world. But he couldn’t. He knew he couldn’t. 

Alec was unable to speak, unable to move. It was like his feet were glued in place and someone had forced him still. He looked down at the ground, as if he was studying it intensely. His dark hair fell around his eyes and he shifted uncomfortably. Magnus didn’t know why the Shadowhunter would even think of doing such a thing.  
“B-But why?” Was all he could manage.  
Alec looked up, his eyes full of fear. “You broke up with me, I loved you and I messed it up, I messed everything up. Izzy and Jace can’t stand me anymore, and life is cruel. I had to punish myself for what I did.” The unspoken words hung in the air between them, ‘before someone else did.’ He fought back the lump in his throat. “It was the only way to forget the pain, cutting, it relaxed me. It centered me.” He sighed. 

“And the agony rune?” Magnus asked. Alec’s eyes showed surprise and hurt and so much more fear than before. “You saw that?” He breathed, Magnus only nodded. Alec sighed again, “Cutting was only small, I needed something more. I know it’s cowardly. But my body would ache, ache for someone to love me. Before, that someone was you, and when you left my walls crumbled and I couldn’t hold it back anymore, I had to go back. Back to cutting, but it wasn’t enough. After a while I started to use the agony rune, and before I knew it I was using it every week. Then every week turned into every day and then multiple times a day. It relieved all the things on my mind, it made me forget how much I needed you, instead I needed pain.” Alec said uncomfortably. 

“My dear Alexander-” Magnus started, but Alec cut him off.  
“I’m not your ‘Alexander’ you don’t love me anymore.”  
At that Magnus took an involuntary step back, as if he’d just been punched in the gut. “Why would you even say that?” Magnus asked, stunned, hurt flashing across his face.  
Alec was genuinely confused. Magnus loved him? No, he couldn’t. Magnus must have sensed Alec’s confusion.  
“How could I not love you Alexander? I will love you for the rest of my long life, even when I’m not with you.” Alec seemed surprised, as if the thought hadn’t even crossed his mind.  
“But you can’t love me now, after you’ve seen the disgusting things I’ve done.” Alec’s tone filled with self hate. He shook his head, trying to clear it of any confusion.  
Magnus walked towards Alec and took his hands, staring into the beautiful blue eyes, his own filled with tears. He spoke gently, “Alexander I love you, scars and all. Your scars don’t make you cowardly, they show you're strong and they show you the battles you’ve fought with yourself. Harming yourself might be the way you deal with your pain, it’s not disgusting. You need someone to care for you, and leaving you was probably the biggest mistake of my life. I love you so much, more than anyone before. I don’t care, well I do, that you have cut yourself or used the agony rune in the past, but I can’t change that, but what I do care about is trying to prevent you from doing such things ever again.” Magnus couldn’t help himself, he’d missed his Alexander so much, he just had to. The Warlock pressed his lips against those of the Shadowhunter. 

The kiss started slowly and gently, like Magnus was checking to make sure it was okay to kiss Alec. Alec wound an arm around Magnus’ neck, the other hand on his waist and Magnus cupped Alec's face in one hand, running his other hand through the tangled raven hair.  
Alec threaded his fingers through the belt loops on Magnus’ jeans and pulled him closer, closing the leftover distance between them. He ran his fingers down from Magnus’ neck to his back, and under his shirt. Magnus relaxed at the familiar feel of the calloused hand on his smooth body, and wound his fingers deeper into the Shadowhunter’s hair, his other hand on Alec’s neck, his thumb stroking Alec’s deflect rune. 

The two finally broke apart, breathing in gulps of air. Magnus rested his forehead against Alec’s, staring deeply into the eyes that held the universe.  
“I love you.” Magnus sighed.  
Alec looked up at him, through dark lashes. “I love you too.” Magnus placed a hand against Alec’s cheek. And as if he had been snapped out of a trance, he flinched. Alec’s eyes shone with unshed tears, but Magnus noticed the fear had returned.  
“Alexander, are you-” Magnus started, but Alec cut him off.  
“I can’t do this again, it’s too much. Too complicated. I can’t get back into this and then get my heart broken. I’m sorry. Goodbye Magnus.” Magnus, open mouthed and with brows furrowed was blinking back tears. Alec walked away from Magnus without a backwards glance and shut the front door behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hoped you enjoyed the chapter. I know you may hate me or be angry (take it out in the comments section) but we will be seeing more soon. Please leave comments and Kudos. You can leave story ideas in the comments that you want me to try. Thanks for reading and please come back for the next chapter which I’ll be posting quicker than I did this one. Love you 💕

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed my story. 
> 
> If there aren’t any more chapters I will be installing very soon. 
> 
> Comments and Kudos appreciated. 
> 
> Thanks for reading 💕


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